“Lord, I give you all my plans and my purposes, all my desires and hopes, and accept Thy will for my life. I give myself, my time, my all, utterly to Thee to be Thine forever. Fill me and seal me with Thy Holy Spirit. Use me as Thou wilt, work out thy whole will in my life at any cost, now and forever”
Betty Scott Stam, martyr, missionary to China
I found this quote in one of my old journals in the wee hours of this morning. I’ve journaled on and off for about 20 years, mostly in times of decision or uncertainty. Many of my journals are half filled, then discarded until the next crisis. Every once and I while I pull an old journal down from the shelf and reread it.
The one with the missionary quote was from spring/summer of 2004. A little after that Easter service where I first encountered my future husband. It is full of cringe worthy angst. Is he interested? Am I fooling myself? What if I am deluding myself, and God’s will for my life is to serve him as a single missionary in some remote part of the world? Who am I to presume to know the will of God?
A journal from the summer/fall of 2005 recounts the fretfulness of waiting and pleading for that first positive pregnancy test after being told that might not be a possibility for us. (But God! Didn’t you promise? Am I fooling myself? Who am I to presume to know your will?). Another journal from summer of 2007 questioning the wisdom of leaving my full time job to pursue becoming a therapeutic foster parent.
No matter what my worry, the answers remain consistent.
1) Be still and know that I am God. Know Me, seek My kingdom, and I will take care of the rest.
2) My sheep hear My voice.
3) Rest in Me. The Beloved of the Lord rests between His shoulders, He quiets them with His love.
4)You are Mine. You are My servant and stand or fall to Me alone. Wait for Me. Have I ever failed?
5) Stop fretting! Sing, Trust God, and dwell in the land. (It is so funny to see these exact words written in journals 15 years apart)
I think the most repeated word in all of those journals is TRUST, though REST follows closely at its heels. WAIT and BE STILL show up every few pages.
In the spring of 2017, there are questions. Some relate to old dreams, others to new opportunities. The answers remain the same. So, here I am again, learning to WAIT and BE STILL when I want to run. Learning to REST when I want to fret. Still learning to TRUST the One who never fail.